What It's Like
by illocust
Summary: Shiro's memories from his time in the astral plane are strange.


**_Author's Note:_**

 ** _I kept thinking about Shiro being with the Black Lion this whole time. What is was like for him to be in this plane of existence beyond our mortal minds, and how he experienced things in this realm._**

Shiro's memories of his time away, they don't say dead anymore, not after the minute way Keith flinches when it's brought up. His memories of his time away, come in fits and bursts. Like his time in the arena. Hazy, indistinct, then snapping to pure clarity at the right nudge.

Hunk mentions he saved the dice, and suddenly Shiro remembers the paladin, Shiro twin of Shiro. Shiro finds that mesh shirt, and he sees screaming fans calling out for something other than blood. He overhears a hushed conversation between Allura and Lance about Lotor fooling them all, and he can recall the exact way the prince's steps felt on Black deck, when he began the journey that ended in him becoming Emperor. Clone or astral plane, all the memories are waiting for him, they just need the right nudge. Which is why this one caught him so unprepared.

Shiro wakes to Krolia napping across from him. This isn't unusual. There is precious little to do inside the lions, if you are not the pilot, and with Shiro still recovering and Keith's tendency to focus on a single task, the black lion has less to do than most. Shiro stretches as quietly as possible, then pads softly to the cockpit. The others would prefer he spent his recovery completely bed bound, but the idea of not moving, locked in one place, makes his heart beat faster in a fear he doesn't want to examine too closely.

Keith is there, encased in Black's pilot chair as if he was born for it. Older, broader, more tempered, but still Keith to his core. His eyes don't drift from the stars in front of him as Shiro enters. Watching for dangers lest their energy drained lions be caught unaware, yet apparently not completely ignorant of his immediate surroundings, "Shiro," soft, nearly silent, so the others may sleep on, and familiar, Keith's lips shaping his name between them like a secret.

Keith adjusts Black's thrust, hands pushing forward on the throttle, and his voice echoes "this one's for you", far away through too many layers of reality to hear clearly. He's talking to them. Accepting his new place. Keith is a little spark of life inside them, warm and good, Shiro curls around it, holds the light deep in his chest. They will keep it safe. They will watch over it and make sure it does the great things it is destined for.

"Shiro?" A hand touches his arm, but there aren't things so physical here? Purple eyes look into his own, oh. Shiro shakes himself, ridding himself of the lingering memory.

"I'm fine," He says, and he is. The astral plan is…different, when you don't have a body to relate the experiences to. Memories from it can be overwhelming, "Just remembered something."

Keith's eyebrows pinch together in worry. He has every right to be, after what that, other, did. Shiro smiles reassuringly, "I was just thinking about when you took over as black paladin."

Keith frowns, "Oh," Keith says, "Please, no" He's upset. The prickly ball of emotions misses him, but they can't give him what he wants. This is where he belongs, in them. He'll understand. The others lights, they are good and bright too, but they can't replace him. They don't belong inside. He doesn't want to feel their sparks. Only Keith, only him. They won't take anyone else.

Warmth encompasses him, his spark, Shiro's light is the one being encompassed. Shiro is on the floor, head pillowed against Keith's shoulder, strong fingers running through his hair. "Sorry," He hadn't meant to let himself drift.

"It's okay," Keith's voice is calm, none of the panic he would have expected not long ago. The two years have changed him, "Coran and Allura warned me this might happen," Shiro vaguely remembers something like that being said, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Does he? Does Keith want to hear about that time he hated so much? Why black lit up for him and not the others? His role in that, how he couldn't stand the…intimacy of the relationship of the black paladin with any of the others. Shiro's cheeks flush. That's what it had been after all. Intimate. Maybe not for Keith, but for Shiro, Keith's…his…his soul had touched Shiro's in a way he couldn't allow anyone else to.

…except he had…that thing. It was begging. Pleading. It wasn't right. It didn't belong. Not here, but the others. It wanted to save them. They wanted to save them. They had to. They would it allow it. They would allow it to save the others. Shiro cringed, the memory fading on it's own. It wasn't a pleasant one, even if he could remember the other side as well. Black's lights flickering on. Earnest relief. It was still a touch no other circumstances would have accepted. Shiro resists the urge to scrub his chest. The ball inside him was never literal, and even if it was, it's not there anymore.

"Do you want to go back to bed?" Keith's asks softly.

"No," Shiro says without thinking. He doesn't want to be alone, with the rolodeck of his memories determined to present a slide show in high definition, "Can we stay here, just for a few minutes more?" Safe, in warm arms, with someone there to watch over him if it becomes too much.

He feels Keith's forehead rest against his hair, "Okay," Keith breathes, "We can stay here as long as you want."

Shiro sighs, and let's his eyes drift closed.

 _ **End Note:**_

 _ **If your wondering about the theys. Shiro, kinda kept losing track of the difference between himself and the black lion while in the astral plane. Sometimes things where very clearly something he wanted or didn't want, but often, the line was much more blurred.**_

 _ **And yeah, I also like to head cannon that while Shiro was there, letting someone pilot black was hella intimate for him.**_


End file.
